Mar 22 2007
Response to Ken (On Confidence and Email Etiquette)
Hey Amanojack
Can i just first say that you are GOD!
As others have pointed out, there are people who understand how to get girls naturally, and I am not one of them. I am a generally shy, not especially socially-adept guy. But I studied, practiced, and finally succeeded through pure determination and trial and error. My success is definitely better than average, but it still pales in comparison to what a "natural" can do. The point of me writing this blog is to show guys who aren’t naturals how to enjoy good success in spite of that. For example, a natural wouldn’t be able to give you tips on overcoming approach anxiety, because he’s never had any. So be thankful I’m not a pickup god - I’m just a guy who finally figured it out.
Your blog identifies almost everything i have been through in Japanwith girls. I especially liked the part about girls not replying to youafter your first meet up. That is sooo true … This has bugged me alot because it seemed that whenever i met a girl - only a few wouldactually follow up and i didn’t know where i was going wrong. Forexample - in Gaspanic - i met a real cutie - Tomoko - she was gorgeouseven other gaijins were telling me - you are onto a winner there andthen she flirted with me like hell, gave me her number but when i triedto follow up i had no response. I texted her the same day i met her toask when we could meet up again ! Was that too impatient on my part ?
I’d say texting on the same day is a little fast. I would usually do it the next evening if it was from a club. If in Roppongi, there’s a strong chance she wanted you to take her home right straight away. If she was horny and hot as you say, she could easily get another guy to take her home after you parted, which would explain the lack of response.
This happend with quite a few girls that i met or girls that i hadntmet and just exhanged e-mails. I started to doubt myself and my ownappearance and presentability, but i just couldnt understand what thereason was (because i have had plenty of j gf already) .. why didntthey reply? its so frustrating! Here you are on your way home thinkingthat you met the most amazing girl tonight and had a wonderful time butthen their is no follow up. Its like you have just met a Ghost whodoesn’t really exist in this world!
I was full of contradictions and i figured that i must be missingout on something (maybe in the japanese way of dating) etc. Howeverupon reflection I do remember getting girls quite easily when i wasvery carefree and confident and i think u have a very good point there.
I met another girl from the internet the other day. I was nice toher etc but still no reply of my e-mail. I couldnt care less if i nevermet her again because she was butters but i just want to know theanswer to this puzzle. Cant they just tell me what put them off ? Idont want to get depressed about these things. Girls tend to like mewhen i am carefree and not overwhelming.. well thats my analogy so farand i hope you can give me some advice.
I recently received an e-mail from a jgirl 2 days ago who i met thruan ad for friends site and i replied with this and since then noresponse either … what am i doing wrong ?
"Thank you for your e-mail. Wow - i only posted my ad today and you were the first to reply. Thanks
Oh by the way - Happy Birthday … My birthday was on 8th Feb so we are both Aquarius. Do you like daydreaming ? I do .. haha
Sure lets become friends. I am living in Tokyo now, how about you ?
I added you to my msn list and we can talk when you are online."
Even then no reply — i did send the email twice by accident .. does that show impatience too ?
Ken,
Thanks, I’m glad you found the blog helpful.
It’s frustrating when you change something and your success takes a dive, and you just don’t know why. I’ve been there several times. In one case, the girls were not responding because I was not showing enough energy to make them feel that I would be excited to see them, either in person or in the email.
But that’s just another way of saying that my confidence had dipped without me realizing it. My lack of confidence lowered my energy, and then the downturn in results lowered it further. The key is to regain that confidence, which is exactly what I did. Then the problem went away entirely.
The way out of this hole is as follows:
1) Focus on really sexually pleasing the girls you already have. Although you may not need to sex them excellently to keep them, do it anyway. This will give you the extra confidence in knowing that any girl who chooses to go with you will NOT be sorry.
2) Get busier in your work or whatever you do, so that you have a little extra self-esteem and a few more things going on in your life. This gives you confidence and carefree-ness (when you aren’t working).
3) Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there when you’re with a girl. In Roppongi inj particular, give it everything you’ve got to go for the same-day-lay, because many girls will think you must not have wanted them that badly otherwise (but they will never indicate this to you, they will put up all kinds of objections instead).
Now to email: The mail above has several glaring problems that either make it difficult for her to respond or reflect poorly on you.
1) More than one thing to respond to (always bad!):
a. She sort of has to respond to your thanking her for being the first one to reply. (This in itself is slack and forces her to write social formality stuff like, "You’re welcome" or to try to justify why she wrote you so quickly.)
b. She has to respond to your wishing her Happy Birthday (more social formality flack)
c. "Do you like daydreaming?"
d. "Where do you live?"
2) She has nowhere to go once she answers c. and/or d. — she can’t say, "I live in Omiya, how about you?" She can only say, "I live in Omiya" and then the obvious ping-pong of conversation ends there because you already told her where you live!
3) Too long overall, unless her mail was significantly longer than that. In fact, maybe it just feels long because of all the different content.
4) Yes, sending the same email twice gives a pretty bad impression - sometimes it just happens, but definitely be careful not to.
Do you see how difficult it would be for someone to reply to this? Not only difficult, but also not particularly fun because it basically requires her to write a bunch of facts and social formalities.
The daydreaming question could be going somewhere. You’d have to make that the only question, or better yet just tell a very short story about something you were daydreaming.
A little more excitement and energy also couldn’t hurt (assuming you keep the length short it won’t be overwhelming).
Some people may be wondering, "If you keep the mails so short and only ask one Q per mail, won’t it take a long time to get intimate enough for a meet?" The answer is generally "NO." The number of mails before a meet from the Internet is usually around 3-6, whether the mails are very short or very long. The shorter they are, the more mystery there is, which has big advantages in itself.
The only things you really have to know in the first 2-3 mails are where she lives and what she looks like. And once you’ve agreed to meet, switch it over to celphone mail.
Hope that helped.
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wow, crazy you just summed up everything I do wrong in every e-mail, And thanks to you I get it now!
I write like 5000 questions/info to give them a lot and make it seem like I care, but just a whimiscal Do you like daydreaming? is fun to reply to and gives you this sense of freedom.
Just Wondering though, if it’s a girl that you’ve known for a quite a while through school/work and she has gone away from that place(and you never did beyond talking at that phrase), would shooting her out of the blue after a month/two- do you like daydreaming? just make you seem insane? is there some type of gap bridge for time that would better?
kkk, so i’ve been busy this past week.. both with studies and dates and all is well. Yet there is a but.. The girl i’m set on right now is giving mixed signals:
After coffee last night she spoke to her fiance who’s coming from korea next month for like 20 damned minutes of which afterwards I gave her little to no attention.. She hated it and was in a bad mood all day today until just an hour ago when we spent some time together cuddling and chatting and she says “i wish every day was like today”.
Me; I just want this woman and i’m gonna have her, that’s it. All the others are just practice..
She’s maybe 6 years older but she wants me, yet hesitates.. Gave her the ‘when i’m with you it’s not like i’m with a woman’ line and it drove her crazy. How will I make it clear that i’m either going to have her or cut her off right now?? A state of emergency maybe like a decision..
She dislikes hearing of me and friends of hers and talks down on them yet she won’t let me move in, leaving me confused and usually I steer clear of girls that confuse me like this.
Mr Mano, keep it up.. Keep it up..
‘Think and Grow Rich’ by Napoleon Hill. Get it, read it and get your own PMA. This book has such strength that it was the inspiration for the world’s seminal hardcore band, Bad Brains. This book will not only help you find girls, it can help you develop materially and spiritually.
Great blog, keep up the good work!
While your comments and advice are generally sound for city dwellers, I and others who live in Japan have to jump through several more hoops to get the job done. I’m talking about those that don’t live in metropolitan areas like Tokyo. I live in a town of about 30,000 in northern Japan and there are a few bars in town that I frequent. The general atmosphere in these places is no where near that of a GasPanic or a Starbucks. In addition, there are several more logistical problems in there are no ‘last train’ situations and no ‘walking past my apartment’ situations. Girls are typically very timid about going home with a guy because there is a lack of anonymity in a town so small. As one of only 12 foriegners in town, I too even feel that pressure.
I would like to know if you’ve ever plied your tactics on the inaka battlefield? You seem to be quite privy to ‘hunting’ in the city, but I wonder how much success you’d find out here in the shticks.
Peace.
Inaka rocka
Try to find out if there are any psy-trance raves in your area (particularly in the summer time). These are great places to meet cool (and often very twisted) girls. I’ve been completely trollied at some of these events and met some freaky sisters with open minds.
inaka rocka,
I’ve spent half a year in a 90,000 pop. town and another year in 150,000 pop. town. Most stuff I’ve mentioned was working in these places, but there are some endgame things to watch out for.
In the 90,000 pop. town it wasn’t everyone knew everyone, but it was a lot of people knew a lot of people, so there was some hesitation. You just gotta respect that, and tolerate the confusing results it produces. For instance, I would rarely leave the bar with a girl. I would let her leave first, then leave right after, go to the place where I knew she’d have had to park her car, then continue where we left off. Logistics are my strong point, so this kind of stuff doesn’t hinder me too much.
What WAS a problem in the country was girls being generally shy and flaking a lot. But I found they open up if you open up yourself and not try to play it cool. There is a lot more attraction, too, but depending on the place this is balanced out by the fear factor. For much of the time, yes, I had a lot of failures. It took 3 months to get settled in to each new place.
The hottest girl I ever got in the countryside was a cock-assist — as opposed to a cockblock — situation. A hot girl’s not-so-hot coworker just so happened to have an Indian boyfriend, so she cock assisted me with the hot girl. The hot girl had loads of attraction from the start, but was super shy, so it wouldn’t have happened otherwise. This was street pickup in the north Saitama inaka.
30,000 pop. is getting pretty darn small, so I can see it must be tough. I’d try to take a jaunt to a neighboring town sometime. That should help eliminate the fishbowl problem. Summer you’ve got matsuri and fireworks, both of which are goldmines. Sorry I can’t offer advice on such a small town because I’ve never lived in one…
Inaka Rocka,
Remember that your celebrity status is magnified in a small town. Honestly speaking, you should have pussy on tap. If you don’t, you need to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself the question, “Where are my balls?” Think about it. In Tokyo you would have to compete with all the other salivating gaijin. Make hay while the sun shines.
What I said about the rave scene is worth a shot though. Even if you don’t score, you’re going to have fun. And there’s nothing more that sexy Japanese psy-trance chicks like than guys who have fun and show it!!
True, I am looking forward to the warmer weather, when people actually go out at night.
Seriously, it’s not as easy as it sounds. And the celebrity status hurts more then it helps. It definitely helps in starting a conversation and attracting attention. But, going all the way in one night is almost impossible. I’ve only managed that once, and we were both fvcking drunk as hell. To illustrate how small the town is, the Mama-san of the ’snack’ bar that I picked that girl up in is the mother of a student who I had taught. Thank god she was tight lipped about it (actually I think she was drunk/comatose when we left).
The situation is so different. There is a serious shortage of younger females, most kids go off to college elsewhere or get a job in the big city after high school. Those that do stay behind live with there parents and work shit jobs. The closest club is in the ‘city’ (of 300,000), about 2 hours away.
I mean, it’s possible, but rare. Luckily, I just made good friends with the bartender at a popular bar here and he’s just as much on the prowl as I am. A good tip for anyone else in my position, because he can assist in bridging the communication gap between you and the ladies and be wingman even.
I’d like to hear more on those ‘had a good time when we first met, but doesn’t ever want to meet’ situations. I’ve had a ton of those situations. Usually I just try hard and then delete their e-mail in frustration after months of trying to meet up again.
Keep up the good work.
Inaka Rocka,
The “drunk as fucking hell” fuck is cool. Treasure the pagan nature of the moment. If you have any Slavic heritage, you’ll know where I’m coming from. I love the country side here and the country girls. You’ll end up a more rounded individual for it. Most of the gaijin in the urban areas are complete tossers and don’t deserve the steam off our pis.
There must be some gorgeous house wives floating around out there in Nantucket. My first sexual experience here was with a doctor’s wife who was in her mid-30s while I was still early 20s. Very, very bad lady but very, very good fun. Fuck the love hotel, she was more into booking into the hotel proper with decent room service.
Hey Amano, I was just wondering if you could elaborate on hanabi and matsuri? I love both of those (even if you took out the beautiful Japanese girls in yukata), and it’s awesome to hear you say they’re goldmines, but I don’t see exactly how. Is it just for bumping into people and getting numbers, or can you actually take a girl home from there? If it is possible, that would be so amazing, and I’d have to make it my goal this summer to bring a beautiful girl in a yukata home from a matsuri.
Hey Bonzo,
Do you, by any chance, also come from Eastern Europe and live somewhere near Tokyo?
If so, let me know.
Okami,
Check the internet or Pia magazine for schedules of matsuri and fireworks. Basically pickup at these events is like street pickup, except the girls have time on their hands, are having fun, and it’s dark. Japanese guys know these are good, so there is a lot of nampa going on. Most of the girls will be younger, though.
I’ve only taken a girl home straight from a matsuri once, but I’ve gotten a lot of numbers from it. I’m afraid I have no special techniques for these events, because I don’t get around to going to them very often, but the hotness and accessability of the chicks is top notch (fireworks festivals especially). Their hotness ought to motivate you to try stuff out.
Random Guy,
If you only haven’t seen a girl for a month or two, that’s not long enough to make much difference (in Japan). People are busy enough that not emial for a month or two if there was no reason to is not unusual. No special tactics needed there, just follow standard email protocol.
Lexi,
I’d say the girl is hesitant to get with you because she is getting married soon and her fiance is coming to meet her. She probably is more attracted to you than to him, but there are also good reasons (in her mind) for marrying him.
It’s a choice of “should” vs. “want to”. She should be faithful but wants to do stuff with you. Any good strategy at this point would focus on three things: how to tempt her (increasing the “want to”), how to play down the importance of the “should”, and how to persuade her that acting on the “want to” won’t interfere with the “should” — that going further with you will not jeopardize her future.
Tempting her more is what most of this blog covers.
Playing down the importance of the “should” can be done fairly easily. Just think of what makes you resent you obligations in life, and what makes you give into temptation to do something you know you shouldn’t. These first two are really two sides of the same coin.
Getting her to believe that she can act on her desires without jeopardizing her future is probably most key for you now. Appearing less serious would help. She has to know that you aren’t going to go ga-ga over her if she lets you into her pants. By the same token, she has to know that SHE is not going to go crazy for you if you have sex (her wanting “more days like this” where you are cuddling is unfortunately counter to this goal). Overall, cut out the romance, pile on the temptation, and show that sex isn’t that big a deal for you.
If you really do want romance with her in the end, or even want her to forget her husband and marry you, the stategy is the same (until after you’ve had sex). You’d be convincing her that having sex isn’t going to make your bonds too strong, but once you’ve had sex the precedent has been set and it’s a slippery slope from there; it mazimizes your ability to take the relationship where you want it to go. That’s right, I’m saying that if you want romance later it’s better to cut down on it now.
Hey Amanojack, I would really like to contact you to ask a question. Would you please mail me? And then delete this comment if you like. Thank you!
Hey Amanojack
Thanks a lot for such a wonderful and detailed explanation. I think you have a very good point about the social formality bit and this is pretty slack on my part. I never actually thought about what i was putting them through by sending e-mails like this! No wonder i didnt get a reply. Like you mentioned before you cant just be yourself all the time because that wont get you anywhere, we need to fine tune ourselves.
I also think that i am not a natural and after having some success with jgirls i started slacking. Maybe its gone to my head and i feel i dont need to work as hard on them, but it can be a bit hard when you are at the intital stages of say an internet meet up without a pic etc. Sure i am trying to expand my portfolio but still without any of their pics you just have to think.. wow i am sending these thoughtful e-mail’s and she could be busted on the other side. But somewhere along the line my confidence could have dipped too and i need to get it back.. Am working on the gf pleasing sessions now hehe
I prefer meeting girls from pubs, clubs etc coz what u see is what u get.
Now i am going to only give them one question to answer … and put them out of their misery.
question: how old are you? i ask only because i find your tips excellent, but some of the places seem like a much younger crowd than i would look to..for me, that is. whats a good place for early 30s to meet girls in their mid20s?
thanks again!
Stippy,
I can’t see your email address, but you can contact me at amanojack.yrjp@gmail.com
chris,
I’m 28. I think most of the places I mentioned skew slightly older. All gaijin hangouts have an average age range of at least mid-20s, usually higher. The place for young girls would be street pickup or Shibuya clubs like Atom.
Okay so it happened last night, early this morning.. A wild lay, I think you know the no cuddle after sex is difficult though..
Why are these girls so passive during sex? Or is it just me that gets this impression =S.
And more than a few keep saying ‘no’ right?.. It’s sort of hot.. but for someone who is used to european girls it’s also sort of a misleading slight turn off..
Ahh Mano,, lolol, it seems you’ve done your research, hands down to you.
Mr. Koto Oshu
No, I’m not Eastern European and I don’t live near Tokyo.